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Wellspring - December 30, 2014


Xander Abrams, Ph.D

You want tools for effective conflict resolution in your public and private life. This process has been developed over time and has received positive feedback from my clients. Try it and send me feedback.

Define and Reframe the Problem/Conflict.

State what is happening: use both facts and feelings.

Avoid blame, solutions, or selling your view of the problem.

Use “I” statements which state how you are perceiving the issues at hand.

Listen actively and put yourself “in the other person’s shoes.

Set a time limit for each person to share their view of the problem.

You may even want to use a timer.

Each person talks in “I” statements for the agreed upon time limit, the listening person mirrors back or reflects back {no interptretations) what the talking person said.

Then reverse the process.

Seek new ways to view the problem.

Reframe each person’s needs and needs in a positive light.

Generate Possible Solutions (Brainstorm)

Think of as many solutions as possible.

Be open and creative.

DO NOT evaluate whether ideas will work or not at this stage.

Remember, there is no such thing as a “Dumb Idea.”

Have some fun with brainstorming.

Evaluating Solutions and Making Decision

Think in terms of “Win”-“Win” solutions to problems and needs.

Eliminate solutions that produce a negative reaction.

State opinions in “I” messages and use active listening.

If you cannot reach mutual agreement, you are probably not dealing with the real problem, watch out for hidden agenda’s.

Try to get more input in order to discover the real problem.

Implementing the Decision

Come to (written) agreement of who will do what, when and where.

Check to see if there really is a commitment or if “let’s -not-rock-the-boat” is in force, or there may be no follow-through.

Set time period (2 weeks minimum?) for trying out the new solution.

How Well Is It Working

Check to see whether or not the solution is being carried out, and if it is meeting real needs.

You may need to modify the solution or further discuss the problem. 
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